When Softness Becomes Toxic
Don’t get me wrong, I am all for creating a life that feels nourishing. A life where you feel safe, fulfilled, powerful, and in charge of your choices. A life rooted in softness, rest, and ease.
But here’s where I need to challenge the trend of the “soft life.”
Yes, our mothers and grandmothers carried too much. They sacrificed themselves, silenced their desires, and held families together from a place of disempowerment. I get why so many women today want to reject that and choose softness instead.
But here’s the problem: when softness gets twisted into avoidance. When it turns into this belief that any discomfort, any sacrifice, any devotion that takes effort is a threat to your freedom. That’s not empowerment. That’s instant gratification disguised as self-love.
And that’s exactly what I see happening in our culture.
The Role of Sacrifice:
If you look across history, every religion and spiritual path has honored sacrifice. Fasting, prayer, offerings, service. These weren’t punishments. They were reminders that you are part of something bigger than yourself. That discipline and devotion build strength, humility, and purpose.
Sacrifice, when it’s conscious and chosen, is not oppression. It’s what roots us. It’s what keeps families strong, communities connected, and souls anchored in something greater.
Western culture has swung too far the other way. We’ve thrown away the roots, rejected tradition, and demonized the past. The result? More loneliness, depression, broken families, and people constantly chasing comfort while feeling empty.
The thing is, we can reclaim softness and devotion—but only if we stop running to extremes. The west is full of loneliness and brokenness not just because of technology or stress—but because we abandoned tradition, ritual, and devotion. We saw only the shadows of the past and threw away the roots along with the poison. And now we drift.
The Modern Symptoms of Toxic Softness
You can see this pattern playing out everywhere:
Polyamory (in its shadow form): Used as an escape from commitment and discomfort. It becomes about novelty and avoiding sacrifice, not conscious relating.
Single motherhood by choice (in its shadow form): Sometimes driven by distrust, fear, or rejection of partnership, rather than true empowerment. It can reflect a desire to control everything alone rather than risk devotion.
Short-term partnerships: Quick, disposable unions that dissolve the moment sacrifice or difficulty appears. Love becomes something you consume, not something you sustain.
Quitting too soon: Whether it’s careers, friendships, projects, or communities, people drop things the moment it stops feeling “soft” and “easy.”
Spiritual bypassing: Using the language of self-love, alignment, or intuition to justify running from anything that demands consistency, effort, or long-term sacrifice.
The “following your heart” trap: Sometimes we tell ourselves we’re following our heart—but really, we’re avoiding the hard, steady work of life. We chase excitement, novelty, and intensity. And when life or relationships feel neutral, steady, or challenging, we pull away. Softness becomes the excuse, devotion becomes the risk we refuse to take.
These aren’t inherently bad choices. Polyamory can be healthy. Single motherhood can be empowering. Divorce can be necessary. Rest can be medicine. But when these choices are driven by fear of devotion, fear of discomfort, fear of long-term sacrifice, they lead to isolation, disconnection, and emptiness.
Holding Both
Softness is necessary. We need gentleness, ease, and support.
Sacrifice is necessary. We need devotion, discipline, and long-term investment.
Softness without devotion is empty.
Sacrifice without love is oppression.
The power is in holding both.
Because what truly matters—family, community, purpose, love, faith—requires both your softness and your sacrifice. And if we keep running to the extremes, chasing comfort at the expense of devotion, we will keep ending up lost, isolated, and wondering why life feels hollow.
The invitation is this:
Rest, yes. Receive, yes. Build softness into your life. But don’t run from devotion. Don’t run from the sacrifices that actually make your life meaningful.
That’s not punishment. That’s power.